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A mother's love.
My mom only had one eye. I hated her... she was such an embarrassment.
She cooked for students & teachers to support the family.
There was this one day during elementary school where my mom came to say hello to me.
I was so embarrassed.
 How could she do this to me?
I ignored her, threw her a hateful look and ran out.
The next day at school one of my classmates said, 'EEEE, your mom only has one eye!'
 
I wanted to bury myself.
I also wanted my mom to just disappear.
I confronted her that day and said, ' If you're only goanna make me a laughing stock, why don't you just die?'
 
My mom did not respond...
I didn't even stop to think for a second about what I had said, because I was full of anger.
I was oblivious to her feelings.
I walked out of that house, and have nothing to do with her.
So I studied real hard, got a chance to go abroad to study.
Then, I got married.
I bought a house of my own.
I had kids of my own.
I was happy with my life, my kids and the comforts, Then one day, my
mother came to visit me.
She hadn't seen me in years and she didn't even meet her  grandchildren.
 
When she stood by the door, my children laughed at her, and I yelled at her for coming over uninvited.
I screamed at her, 'How dare you come to my house and scare my children!'
GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!!'
 
And to this, my mother quietly answered, 'Oh, I'm so sorry. I may have gotten the wrong address,' and she disappeared out of sight.
One day, a letter regarding a school reunion came to my house.
 
So I lied to my wife that I was going on a business trip.
After the reunion, I went to the old shack just out of curiosity. 
My neighbors said that she died.
I did not shed a single tear.
They handed me a letter that she had wanted me to have.
 
'My dearest son,
I think of you all the time. I'm sorry that I came to your house and
scared your children.
I was so glad when I heard you were coming for the reunion.
But I may not be able to even get out of bed to see you.
I'm sorry that I was a constant embarrassment to you when you were
growing up.
 
You see........when you were very little, you got into an accident, and
lost your eye.
As a mother, I couldn't stand watching you
having to grow up with one eye.
So I gave you mine.
I was so proud of my son who was seeing a whole new world for me, in my place, with that eye.
 
With all my love to you,
Your mother.

"Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can break your heart"

This time, last week, we were still "quite close." This time last week, Thursday 21st, I woke up at K's place thinking when I would see him next, if all that he said were true.  That day, was OB exam day. That day, I was soon to find out, was also the last day that we would sit down, and talk, normally...and also the last time I'd be on the 16th floor of Duchess *****.

Thinking back to the short days that really did give me hope; the words, the actions...I really don't know how to say what kind of feelings I am going through can?! On the Friday (dentist appt day), I already felt enough like an idiot - walking.... sitting.....carrying the stupid bag of food and cup of Iced tea waiting....waiting....for nothing!.....they just left.....without notice.....just like that. In fact, it had been a whole week of dissapointing waits each ending in tears. If I hadn't yet experienced what 'betrayal' meant, I think i knew what it felt like at that point. It was awful...really awful! And then I found out one day later what betrayal REALLY MEANT. All those words meant nothing. All those promises meant nothing. All those trips....all those....Everything i thought the eyes' told me, meant nothing. At times like this, I think I just really wanted to give my self two god damn slaps to bring me back to reality for once again, I fell into a trap.....and very quickly too...the second time......(retribution?)

After a week, I'm finally at home, and I'm finally able to not 乱想. The day the "result" became known to me was the day that really just stabbed my heart. There's was ....felt like...what was just this massive hole.....

The thing that pisses the crap oout of me is how that one person can pretend nothing happened and that we're suppose to just go back and be "just friends." HEEEEEEEEELLLLLLO! Words should NOT be thrown or used so easily. If there's a good quote recommendation now, I'd say "think before you speak"... because words really can break a person's heart..........

It didnt feel like that long ago since winter break ... since he left...since school started and yet already we are into the 5th weeek of school...Not that long ago, I was 15: naive and free of worries. Not that long ago, I was on a lost road and came to Canada thinking all would be fine...thinking everything would sustain...everyting would be okay...we would continue to be "us." ....

Exactly one year and 2mths 14 days later...today, there are many things that I learnt. I learnt that not everything would be fine...not everything would sustain and we will not continue to be "us." I learnt what "family" meant... their importance to me and how very much I miss them: If no one is ever there for me, my family will (yet there is only so much that can be discussed between us...). Most importantly, I learnt what hardwork can bring. I learnt that if I truly try, if I put my mind to it and act upon it, goals that once seemed unattainable will not seem that way anymore....

There are many things that I try and manage to achieve. I set out to mend my relationship with my family that was once a turmoil...I did it. I set out to do better and pull up my gpa from a disastrous first semester ... I'm still working on it and its on the way there. I tried to express how important my loved ones were and to make them feel irreplaceable. I did it. The one thing I failed at was keeping a relationship. I thought I made the right choice. I regretted  just yesterday but thinking back about it now I think "i did" make the right choice even if we both got hurt, some more than others. Every action carries with it some consequence and for me, these consequences are not easy to deal with. They involve guilt, responsibility, sadness and another ball of mixed up emotions. All I hope is for us to both move on and just keep with us the best of memories. I will always remember...even 50 years down the road, I promise your name will not only ring a bell, it will be flooded with the best treasured memories that you gave me. I promise YD.

The long road ahead.......

Karma:
Did what I do come back to haunt me? If so, I find it hard not to believe in Karma. I just got a horrible taste of my own medicine... Someone is hurting me deeply...just like how it probably hurted him. Can I subdue this feeling convince myself that this is not intended simply because I did it without any intention to hurt anyone whatsoever....EVER. Feelings are not be played with because people, both guys and girls are fragile: "whoever tells you that guys don'w feel anything are idiots. tell them to STFU. It is people's hearts we are playing with...their emotions.

How can anyone be so 狠心﹖...
I would like to think that  "X" isn't that kind of person but from what i have heard this past few weeks...I do not know what to think anymore. How was I so stupid to buy for all that fakeness that seemed so real... (was it?). How is it that "X" knew he was going to leave and yet still decided to ... okay ...i decide not to complete my sentence. =D .........Am I that forgettable? What went wrong? Was it me...was what I asked for too much (I think not)? I don't know....... for now. It feels like I have been an idiot for the past 3 month...Waiting like an idiot...full of hope..all FOR NOTHING AT ALL whislt expecting some kind of magical result or change...How naive. To him, I was probably just a temporary "entertainment" toy...someone to keep him company. To make him happy. To be there for him, care for him and give him my all. Now that he is gone, I am just the ordinary, nothing special girl ... just a stranger..............with a familiar face.... ...

For now, after 2 year, I might be single and "all out of love" again but...I will not dream like i once used to.. for him to come back...to hold on....to treasure...these were all just fantasies. From now, I must be strong and learn to live and be "someone" even without you(him/guy). Gotta learn to not fear loneliness ... and face it bravely. MUST NOT let myself get lost...and make sure the next time, I shan't be that dumb to believe in everything I see and hear again because if even friends can lie.............. and betray... who am I to believe in? No one but myself.

Its....less thanTHREE days to christmas...and yet it doesnt feel like it at all..
Where christmas is suppose to be a festive celebration, for me I think its not...Not this year anyway.
Where the hell is everyone? What is there to do here (when your friends are all gone)?
Who am I to call out people who are in Vancouver but am not entirely close to?

Okay Okay, enough of complains. I will try and make do and live on what else but MAGGI mee which I now find very distasteful. Even so, I WILL NOT go out and eat alone because I absolutely hate being alone...at any time! Of course I don't mean to say that I don't like having time to myself la..because I do enjoy being alone sometimes...ONLY SOMETIMES mind you. Do you know what is worse? I have no stove..so even the instant noodles that I actually like....cannot cook..... CRAP!

Oh and I am sooo sooo upset over not being able to pay my school fees on time because there was a cost involved..... I CANNOT TAKE THE COURSE I WANT...AGAIN...and i said again because this is the second time....SHIT SHIT SHIT...i just hope that being 5th on waitlist makes it highly likely that I'll get into that class....now that school is over and there is just over two weeks left till school starts again......

Right now I should think of how to keep myself occupied without my friends here.... aside from the usual karaoke, eat, pool, or arcade! ARGH!

2am. Christmas Eve...time to sleep...

 What do you do when someone you truly cares about doesn't return this anymore?
...How can you turn things back to the way things used to be on just friends level? I cannot accept starting again... I need to know that the other is adjusting and not constantly feeling depressed...what do you do? Just what can I DO? Teach me.

*****

 People say that you learn to treasure/appreciate what you have only when you lose it.
I've lost my voice.

I sound ..hmm...abit like a horse I should say. I want it back! Karaoke yesterday was boring...i could only eat drink and watch (whilst feeling jealous of those that had a voice!) ><

Piggy is in China. I am alone and I miss home. So as usual, I start a new blog. I wonder how long I can keep this one up and actually UPDATED for?

Latest pictures are of those during halloween..with Ranee =D :

It was fun..but not as fun as we thought. I think we always think too much! heheh...

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